i don't know, but i'll start tomorrow. again.

i don't know what it is with the firsts, but if you are trying to lose weight, the first of something is always significant.

like you cannot start doing something if it is not the first day of the week, the first day of the month, or worse, the first day of the year.

so yeah, off the wagon big time for over a week. tomorrow is the first day of the month, so i am trying again. of course. i'm tired of trying and failing, but i am trying still.

i can almost applaud myself for being so relentless.

self nagging

i am such loser. not even a week after having all those grand, noble plans of seriously sticking to my weight loss goals, here i am. bloated, huffing, and puffing because of eating too much that i am almost nauseated.

i probably should go to a shrink. see if somebody can actually fix this terribly messed up head i own who thinks overeating and losing weight do not have a connection.

i am tired. both at work, and of my disgusting self.

how's that for boosting self confidence?

sweaty but glad

i'm still sweaty. exercise for over an hour is not bad.

i still have to work on my portion control. it is a lot of work, and i won't rush it. i hate it that i am such a fan of whatever it is i cook. i made pasta with vegetarian sauce for lunch. what should have happened is that i shouldn't have had that second helping. but i did. it is past and over, so i won't dwell on it.

tomorrow is another day. i am excited about the diet plan i have in my head. it is not a strict regimen, but as i said, all i have to work on is my control over eating for ten people. it is a process, and if i have a plan that i can easily follow, i think it will be easier for me.

off to work tonight, and i hope i won't get tempted to eat whatever food is at work, since i will be bringing my fruits and i will have a glass of soymilk before i go.

a slip off is not really a slip off

i totally sucked at the diet department today.

but i will not focus on that. instead, i will focus on the fact that i did really good on the exercise department. i rode my bike for 30 minutes and exercised for another 30 minutes in the morning, then i did the walk (leslie sansome) video for 75 minutes. all in all that is good, if you ask me.

i really need to work on portion control. i eat healthy, mostly vegetables, fruits and fish, but i can eat for ten people. anyway, today was not that bad compared to the days when i didn't care. it's just that i ate more than i intended to.

another breakthrough today? i completely sucked it up and exercised in front of my in laws! that is a first, and believe me, that is BIG! i used to use it as an excuse not to excercise when they can see me because it embarassed me and it placed my already floored self esteem lower. but today, i told them i was gonna do it, and my MIL actually did the exercise with me. the best part of the whole thing? i didn't care what they thought or said, i was just determined to do it, whether they were watching or not.

i hope i can keep it that way so i can do it regularly. i want to walk outside rather than exercise inside the house but the heat is just too much to bear.

i can do this! i can!

no more promises

i cannot count the number of times i started a weight loss program. the longest i have gone doing it (meaning regular exercise and watching my diet) was probably about a month. the shortest of course was a day or two.

i have no more credibility. even to myself.

i don't know what is new this time. i have been waiting for some major event that will be my light bulb moment. i realized now that considering the amount of weight i need to lose, those dramatic stories of not fitting a roller coaster seat will never happen.

i need to lose 40 pounds.

to those who need to lose hundreds of pounds, my goal is like a joke. thing is, i have been struggling with this for years now, it's not really funny anymore. my youngest son is turning four in a couple of months, and i can't believe it has been that long, and i still have not lost the pregnancy weight.

believe me, it wasn't fort he lack of trying. it's more like an unbelievably high rate of failure. i don't know why i can't motivate myself long enough, but i just know i am fed up. tired of being a freaking failure. all these years.

yesterday, i sort of joked the idea of starting a weight loss program to my husband. AGAIN. the poor man, bless his heart, said "you don't have to do that. all you have to do is be happy and accept your weight like i do, because i accept and love you just as you are."

there is nothing wrong with that statement really. except. except, i interpreted the tone to be that of being tired of listening to the same crap over and over. what was unspoken spoke volumes. he was probably thinking, "yeah, start again, fail again, just like last week, last month, last year."

in all honesty, i cannot blame the guy. i feel exactly the same, but i cannot just sit here and accept something that i know i can do something about. if i am insecure about my nose, or lips, or something i have no control over, i will totally take that advise seriously and just chill out with that fact.

but being overweight is fixable. and i have been wanting to fix it for such a long time that i know exactly why even people who love me can be cynical about my intentions. i feel exactly the same about myself, so.

anyway, this is the beginning of my journey. i will type the pounds away. and i will savor the success of this endeavour like i am supposed to.

a few months from now. i will weigh 40 pounds lighter.

no more promises. just lots of hope.