Monday, June 16, 2008

no more promises

i cannot count the number of times i started a weight loss program. the longest i have gone doing it (meaning regular exercise and watching my diet) was probably about a month. the shortest of course was a day or two.

i have no more credibility. even to myself.

i don't know what is new this time. i have been waiting for some major event that will be my light bulb moment. i realized now that considering the amount of weight i need to lose, those dramatic stories of not fitting a roller coaster seat will never happen.

i need to lose 40 pounds.

to those who need to lose hundreds of pounds, my goal is like a joke. thing is, i have been struggling with this for years now, it's not really funny anymore. my youngest son is turning four in a couple of months, and i can't believe it has been that long, and i still have not lost the pregnancy weight.

believe me, it wasn't fort he lack of trying. it's more like an unbelievably high rate of failure. i don't know why i can't motivate myself long enough, but i just know i am fed up. tired of being a freaking failure. all these years.

yesterday, i sort of joked the idea of starting a weight loss program to my husband. AGAIN. the poor man, bless his heart, said "you don't have to do that. all you have to do is be happy and accept your weight like i do, because i accept and love you just as you are."

there is nothing wrong with that statement really. except. except, i interpreted the tone to be that of being tired of listening to the same crap over and over. what was unspoken spoke volumes. he was probably thinking, "yeah, start again, fail again, just like last week, last month, last year."

in all honesty, i cannot blame the guy. i feel exactly the same, but i cannot just sit here and accept something that i know i can do something about. if i am insecure about my nose, or lips, or something i have no control over, i will totally take that advise seriously and just chill out with that fact.

but being overweight is fixable. and i have been wanting to fix it for such a long time that i know exactly why even people who love me can be cynical about my intentions. i feel exactly the same about myself, so.

anyway, this is the beginning of my journey. i will type the pounds away. and i will savor the success of this endeavour like i am supposed to.

a few months from now. i will weigh 40 pounds lighter.

no more promises. just lots of hope.

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